What are you waiting
The moon to drop
To your feet and
Beg for your forgiveness for
Not finding the right love of your life
Did you ever think
The moon did that so
The real one would be
That much more of a relief?
Sweetheart, what are you waiting for?
Bells to ring
When you enter a room
So everyone can marvel at how
I’m quite sure those that know
Would like to keep
The secret amongst themselves.
Darling, what do you want to wait for?
Rain? Sun? The earth to spin back
To fix everything you’ve undone?
My, would that be wonderful.
Because you’re the whole bullet,
Powder, and gun.
So is there anything to wait for?
Because in this odd way I think we’ve already won.
So I’m supposed to deal with something this weekend. My grandmother is dying, and I am going for the last time to see her this Sunday with my sister. She’s 10. This is not going to be pretty.
The thing is, most people don’t seem to get how I think of death. Seeing how close I’ve come to it, being an organ donor at eight years old, you start to cope with these things, but rationality doesn’t help too awfully much with that. Just that…..we’re all gonna die, you know? In once sense or another, whatever you believe in, if anything at all, we are all going to die. It is the one thing we can count on in the world. There are people starving in Africa who do not pay taxes but still can count on death. I mean, for me it’s always provided a level of comfort. That death is NOT the worst things can get. And society seems to think it is, oddly enough.
Having seen my grandmother in her current state, there are much worse things. Apparently she has some sort of offspring of mad cow disease, and I literally saw on two MRI scans her temporal lobe had been shrunk. The thing was eating her brain. She is now catatonic. How they still see this as living simply because she can breathe of her own volition is completely beyond me.
What’s the point of palliative care at this point anyway? 200 years ago they would’ve just killed ’em off! What’s different? Money? I need to check which states euthanasia’s legal in…..
Now I know what tattoo I’m getting, you guys- “DNR”
You see the car crash on TV,
And you still don’t believe that they’re gone.
The one who calls you darling and the one that you ran from-
But the truth and the hard part is
There’s nothing left to run from.
And that there’s no effing other ones
So you’re crying now, in the corner,
And you tremble so
Hard to think of home.
Love, I think I
Feel the same
I don’t miss my father and my sister’s gone-
What the fuck am I going home to?
So where else do we go when we finish or forget?
I hold the letters in my shaking hands and the shaking words in my
I can’t believe some people live like this
It’s a little bit frustrating
Thinking you’re nothing to me
And we’re nothing but blackness
Today at around ten at my high school was a memorial for another sophomore who killed herself about a week ago. I was just pissed because the school news anchors, the bigoted assholes, didn’t bother to say anything until this past Friday. But no, I didn’t go. Her family and her had just moved here a month before school started, and I didn’t even know the girl’s name until I saw her picture on Facebook.
Then I was like……shit…she’s the same age as me. Does that ever hit anybody else? They become so selfish that they make it about them? I mean, hanging sounds like it hurts, I’m sorry. Not my style.
I feel like I also didn’t go to the memorial, just because then it’d bring my somewhat twisted view of death into question. My mother once called it psychopathic. My dad simply acknowledges that I have a ‘rare’ view. But it’s like……everybody, we are all going to die! OKAY? Do you understand that? You are not a living thing if you are unable to die, so congratulations! Deal with it. Bring it up with your parents if you’re really that dissatisfied. I sure have.
And I mean, would she be any happier now? Sleeping in a psychiatric ward with actual lunatics (sorry) while her parents just keep up that false hope that one day everyone’s going to feel so much better. I mean, now they can move on. I’m not upset with her for killing herself, sometimes it’s just there. I don’t hold it against her. Living is quite a harder occupation than people make it out to be, and being lonely couldn’t have helped. Now, I’m not going to go on some self-loathing rant how if I had only spoken to her one time maybe I of all people could’ve saved her, because that’s crap, man. But timing is fucking everything.