And Then There Were Two……

So, my sperm donor (yes, we’re calling him sperm donor now, nothing else), sprung on me Christmas Eve that this job transfer that he’s been wanting for a long time, probably two years now, is about to happen. He’s leaving Tuesday for Orlando, and he’s going to live with his best friend and Don for a while.

Which, as a separate thought kind of scares me, it’ll be like Evil Knievel Moldy Edition. Mind you all that these are the men that go to Disneyland without their kids. But I guess it’ll be alright. I mean, he doesn’t have any family, and all his friends are spread out everywhere, and he really wanted this job! He’s happy now! And Don said he’d go wherever he went, so they’re all gonna be roomies down there, and yeah. Just wished he’d given me more of a warning. I mean, screw my mother and her problems with this, she’s a grown-ass adult, but he just sprang it on me like that. Not sure how I feel about that.

So this weekend we managed to cram another two years of father-daughter bonding into about four days. I helped him fix his friend’s moped for him, he taught me how to change a tire and jump a battery for driver’s ed (if you thought you knew horrible car innuendos, don’t ask a mechanic just to be sure. You won’t sleep), and then we went to IKEA to get my new bedroom mirror I picked out and he laughed at me for, like, the next two days because I managed to swindle this guy’s employee discount because I batted my eyelashes and called him sweetie, like, ninety times. Never gonna hear the end of that one. Then he wanted to go get pedicures (my dad loves pedicures, it’s one of his feminine fixations), and have dinner with his pretty lady at the El Salvadorian restaurant.

Bonded.

Next day we packed and shipped and I got hit on and it was creepy so I watched him pack and ship locked inside the car and that was it. He leaves Tuesday.

You, *FILL IN THE BLANK*

I guess I don’t need
My life to love me, it’s you
I’m really after

Lamest Pick-Up Lines

*DISCLAIMER* Before anyone asks, yes, a few of these have been employed by yours truly or those close to me, and seldom few of them work out well for anyone. I caution you before actual use, but you only live once.

“If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine” 🙂 (Thanks Branden!)

“Are you a ball-point pen? B/c you are extra-fine.”

“Are you a traffic ticket? B/c you got fine written all over you.”

“Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.” (Can totally be taken the wrong way, seen it done.)

“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.” (This one made me want to cut myself with a razor.)

“If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.”

“Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice.”

And I wonder why I and everyone I know is single…………

I hate people so much everyone is terrible the only good person in the world is Bubba now (pictured below) I called him yesterday and he made me feel better but otherwise everyone in the whole world just fucking sucks I hate the holidays so much everyone is terrible and horrible and nobody cares about me and I hate everybody so much right now

Okay I’m done.

Bah-Humbug

The holidays are a merciless communist plot to kill the majority of typically patient, open -minded people and turn them (namely me) into screaming banshees for two so inglorious weeks of vacation.

Just saying.

I mean, start with my grandparents’ place. Super tense since my grandmother died and all, so damage control kinda necessary. I kid you all fucking not, I was the most normal one down there. I man, ‘cuz I’ve got this crazy holier-than-thou aunt telling me a basically look like a whore, I literally cannot say shit around my grandfather because he apparently is so fragile (like no one saw this coming? Is I a surprise that people are able to die?), and I’m stuck with about seven other people all in the same house about to blow my head off stuffing my face with cookies and trying not to physically bite others…….

Then I get to my dad’s frigging house and he says about two words to me before ditching us because HE GETS CALLED IN FOR OOVERTIME AT WORK, then I’m locked in his house with my sister bored out of my mind for another eight hours…..

Bringeth me here to my ever-so-lovely mother’s, cleaning her house and cooking her food and being nice to her friends and HOLY CRAP I HATE ALL PEOPLE.

Driver’s Ed is Hard (Literally)

Halfway through class I just had to yell at my coach to quit saying ‘pull out’ like it was absolutely nothing. She continued with terms as in ‘reverse’ and ‘turn left’ and such but, naturally, she just looked at me every time she did so like it was all my fault.

Well, ‘scuse me for understanding the material, ma’am…….

This is getting difficult. Especially with my father teaching me all these things. Grrrr…….

I’d like to start believing
I grew up quite alright- I mean, I won’t be
Horribly offended if you disagree but I tried awfully
Hard considering what I and going against me with
Those kids and those things everyone kept saying and, Christ,
That everyone knew each other’s parents back then
It was all so different.
Here we can go home and never see them for another whole day but
Wow, people are awful.
And even today I always remember
People are just fundamentally awful.
And we can always call each other’s parents in one form or another.

Grandma Died Last Night

I got the calls around ten from about five different people who apparently didn’t get the memo one would be calling so it wasn’t completely necessary to all call from the same house. I missed two. Good for her, man. The one thing nobody can ever take from us is death. I was worried this was gonna draw out longer than it had to.

Good for her.

New Best Quote Ever

Light Up

The lights in the city always
Seem too
Bright for me
All shining stars
Dim eventually
whether you want
or not you’ll
Live eventually

Alienation and Best Intentions

Could you just
Bite me with alienation and
Hit me in best intentions
Brand us both with marks
Of mother’s Christmas gifts,
What the hell would you be doing
With them (us) otherwise?
If not for the painkillers
We’d be wakened in
The midst of lovely nights
If not for Valium and marks of love
We’d be gone for good
Correct?

Noreen- A Short Film

My Creative Writing teacher showed us this in class Friday. The audio is very poor but I very highly rate it. Very funny video if you listen carefully. About two dumb cops in Ireland. Enjoy.

Mandela’s ASL Translator- WTF???

Starting off, I know many, many people watched the televised funeral/procession/eulogy of Nelson Mandela a few days ago on many news channels, public broadcasting, etc. I thought it was actually quite wonderful in terms of what was said about the man. History was well preserved for the day.

A HUGE startle came when it was noticed that an ASL translator (American Sign Language) was not in fact translating the speeches at all. As it was, he was nowhere comprehensively near what EVEN could have been a speech. To a ‘sign-er’, it really appeared as if he was just making gibberish and really wasn’t a translator at all.

The following day this caused an enormous commotion and the poor man reportedly, at least from the report I read online, almost resigned from his post out of embarrassment.

None of that was actually true at all. The man, in fact, suffered a schizophrenic episode and- going along with his knowledge of ASL and instructions to remain in ASL- kept talking in ASL ‘what the angels were saying to him’ he stated in the Huffington. Very sorry and embarrassed the next day, the translator hand-selected by Obama himself issued an official apology to all of Mandela’s family and everyone at the ceremony. What simply happened was that he was un-medicated, which triggered a relapse.

What the media’s beating the shit out of, quite frankly, is reportedly he canceled an appointment for a 6-month psych check-up to take this job.

Personally, I find that highly unlikely given the timing, but take that at your own weighing.

The only reason in particular this is such a big issue is that the deaf are very sensitive about what is omitted from speeches. As in, an ASL interpreter translates all swear words, all vulgarity, all punctuation, etc. Yes, there are ASL signs for punctuation. Can anyone imagine an interpreter at a rap concert, seriously? I want someone to YouTube the sign for blowjob, you’ll die.

All in all, this really symbolizes the kind of thing that Mandela kind of stood for- really, honestly being equal for everyone. I mean, this has to be so mortifying for this man, but who’s better funeral for this to happen at? For someone who’s entire life was dedicated to acceptance, and then to have one last hurrah like that? That’s priceless! This should be remembered.

I was speaking with a friend that that would be one of the few ceremonies to truly go down in history- right with Gandhi’s funeral, and Mother Theresa’s, and the Dalai Lama’s. The man who supposedly messed up was in my opinion a symbol of what it took for Mandela to stand up for equality for so long for things he couldn’t help, either. Hearing about this strange occurrence was one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard, and I wish to everything that man has the courage to tell everyone, even to his grandkids, what he did that day.

Negatives

Okay, I usually don’t think about positivity and the new year and all this crap until about December 26, so deal with my negative ass until then.

I’m fucking done with people. That may just be because I have a cold and I’m cranky, my Chemistry teacher is trying to fail me because he doesn’t believe in modern medicine (which is kind of an oxymoron), my mother is certainly the most selfish bitch I’ve ever met in my life, my friends are absolutely no help, my dad is no help, no one EVER ANSWERS THEIR PHONES ANYMORE, and the one thing I really want to do with my life right now is return every Christmas present I bought and then go buy a bra that fits and a haircut to trim my bangs. Yes. All I want out of life right now.

So, you see, I don’t have high expectations, I have high inexpectations. As in STOP GIVING ME SHIT YOU UNEMPATHETIC ASSHOLES!

Okay, I think I’m done for the day.

This Is Just Sad Now

I don’t think the point is getting across to everyone that we are all going to die.

If we are incredible fortunate. we won’t know it until it happens or two seconds before the fact. I can deal with that.

But a lot of people need to truly cope with the notion that life ends. All life. Their mother’s, Morgan Freeman’s, Hitler’s, their very own life in fact is quite fragile. I could come to school, knock somebody on the pavement as hard as I could, they could develop blood clot and die in a week. And it’s that simple.

Would someone just tolerate that we are all stuck with each other for the 60-80 years you are expected to live, give or take, we may as well be nice to each other. We may as well live decent lives. Kiss girls and boys. Kiss both in the same day, for all I care. Get your dream job and quit it three days later because it’s not living up to your expectations. Why aren’t’ people living lives anymore, goddamnit? Take a few hours and learn to fix all the parts on your car, then you can be the superhero that pulls over to fix a teenage girl’s flat any given Sunday.

Does earning your keep have more of a ring to it?

I mean, we don’t have to live in a probleml-ess utopian society. I’d get quite bored, personally. But a little empathy would e nice. A little pride and accomplishment.

Could the world just have some more personality again?