This is life.


You can stop wondering now.


I Guess Everyone Else Deals, Too

So, this was my revelation at camp this year. I’m changing names, of course, because of visibility purposes.

At the camp I attend for the first week in August, it’s run officially by CBTF- Child Brain Tumor Foundation- and there are three level of ‘staff.’ These are core staff (nurses, rec, etc.), volunteers (who volunteer), and mentors per cabin, who are usually ex-campers who’ve outgrown the age groups. I could ramble about jobs and whatever, but that’s not super relevant to my story. Another time.

So, the camp is this year 20 years old. Charity funded by big corporations and whatever. It’s a big deal. Whoever, I just found out that one of the core staff members (and runs sports & rec) has been with the camp since he was 18, and he’s now 26. Furthermore, all the staff members of camp pick and choose their weeks to stay at the camp, and none stay for the whole summer, It’s, frankly, a TON of work to put in and takes way too much patience.

But I found out from another staff member that this guy (figuratively we’ll call him Richard) stays the WHOLE three months the camp’s open. From when he gets out of school to when he goes back. Dedication.

And more, at the end-of-camp big bonfire or whatever, when the camp directors are saying their goodbyes and congrats or something, this guy chokes up seriously. Red eyes and speechless.

Now, he’s an awesome guy, ‘Richard.’ I absolutely don’t hold any of this against him, nor do I question it, him, or his intentions, but it seems like no one knows a goddamn thing about him or why he’s here. I’ve brought this up casually with another staff member, and they mentioned that a lot of people work here to work through personal grief with loss- but DAMN, this is dedication! 

Okay, that’s a little insensitive. But you know what I mean. This has been almost 10 years for him! I’d go insane.

And this isn’t an issue I’m going to be blunt enough to bring up ever with “Richard,” but curiosity’s getting the better of me for some reason now. I probably won’t find any substantial reasoning ever, or if I do it’d be when I become a mentor (2 years!), but I’ve never actually been dying to be nosy like this.




I’m back *creepy footsteps*

I officially hold the Fairfax Hospital record for the most ass-kicking, fastest-recovering craniotomy survivor EVER! In Tuesday, out Thursday. Dear God, I was so sick of that place on Thursday, I would have done almost anything to get out. As it is I think I got some kind of viral throat thing…….that blows


Dem bitches get stitches, yo.

Cancer? Yeah, well then don’t tell me this!

Cancer In Your Thirties?

I love this woman. She has just put into words all of my same sentiments on all these strangers being little apathetic nosy assholes, and just telling everyone to STFU! I mean, even today my health teacher was talking to the class about cancer and different forms of treatment, and even how effective they were, for fuck’s sake, and i was about ready to throw something at her! It’s not us being sensitive here. It’s everyone else being selfish little pricks until the same thing happens to them and hey go around wondering where all their sympathy is.

Hey, It Was Tumor Day!


Went up to the doc’s today for the news. Actually, it turned into an enormous social hour. I’ve known almost everyone in that office for about 14 years now.

But I’m not terminal, just chronic; so old news is good news. Saw that scan above (I have better pictures, but that gets the gist better. The white circle thing in the bottom center is my tumor), and picked a tentative date. We’re trying really hard to not have any surgery until after school gets out, so if I need any recovery time I”ll have the whole summer. Plus, there’s that camp in August, which is totally modifiable if I still need ‘recovery time.’

Which, in all honesty, freaks me out just a tad, but I’m trying to be a man about it.

Telling my dad was a bit stressful, because my dad’s this really bad closet-worrier, and here I am being totally fine about it and freaking him out, and he’s losing his mind…….

Hearing Loss- WHAT?!?!?!?!

Hearing loss

It is official- I, as of 11/23/2013, have lost 60% of the hearing in my right ear……….and only 10 in my left. I’m sorry, that sh*t is messed up. I mean, I do everything I’m supposed to- I don’t listen to loud music (common teenager thing), I wear earplugs at concerts and the races (unheard of, right? LOL), and I don’t go getting concussions like everyone says not to do. I’m doing everything right, why is this HAPPENING????? My ENT is telling me I HAVE to go get that stupid hearing aid, which my insurance won’t pay for, and I can’t afford that sh*t! Life is expensive! And it’s all the stupid chemo’s fault! This is absolutely non-cancer at all! Nowhere near where hearing is controlled! Blah!

This ain’t right.

“I Don’t Know How To Be Anything But A Patient”

“I Don’t Know How To Be Anything But A Patient”

I really share her sentiments in a lot of places, not even knowing really where she’s coming from. But that same scare that cancer can kinda happen to anyone, at anytime, and there’s kinda not shit we can do to really prevent it. And once you know it’s terrible, you start doing everything in your effing power to save the whole world from its terriblity (that’s a word :D) ‘cuz it sucks. The author said that she’d rather go through cancer treatment 100 more times than watch someone she love do it, and I cannot agree more. That’s been my exact sentiment all my life. I mean, now that I know what it’s like, I’m fine with doing it again almost just because I know I can, but watching someone else would drive me absolutely batshit.

While Chemotherapy Fights My Cancer, I Fight My Chemotherapy!


Looking For The Summer!

I’ve now been having chemo for the last 4 months and I can tell you that, most of the time chemotherapy is not fun. Of course it’s different from person to person, you cannot expect everybody to react in the same way, but ultimately chemotherapy is a strong poison. Yes, it kills cancer cells, but it also has an aggressive effect on the healthy parts of your body and so you never know what to expect physically and of course mentally.

There are common side effects and not so common side effects, some happen every time and some are rare and unexpected. Sadly,I can’t give any advice on how to face the chemotherapy side effects because each person reacts entirely differently than the other. Factors like the strength and dosage, the type of chemo used, the stage of the cancer, the health of the individual etc. all make the results…

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“Haha, my tumor’s bigger than yours!”

Yes, I said this to my aunt, pictured in the Renaissance bit. Brought her the MRI photo and everything. She called me an idiot. I think I deserved it.

It’s really been on my mind these last few days. I was only re-diagnosed (I have a brain tumor, third round now) a month ago, but doing nothing about fucking cancer really wears on you, man. I’m not doing a biopsy until February, and until then I have no idea what kinda shit’s supposed to hit the fan, BUT FEBRUARY’S A REALLY LONG WAY AWAY WITH A CELL GROWTH NEXT OT YOUR BRAIN STEM! At least it’s scheduled for a few days after my sixteenth birthday, hey, right? I feel like that’d be awesome if I just had this awesome party and then dropped off the face of the earth. Like, did she ever really exist? Did we all make it up?

Okay,  kinda sick, but it’s cheaper than therapy.