You don’t know paranoid, honey….

Not joking. I think I may have spiraled myself into a hypomanic episode. Okay.

So, to prevent such a decline all out of the blue and such, I keep a record of how much sleep I get. When I see my psych, I bring this list to him. As well, I keep my meds on my nightstand and take them at very specific times during the day, so that though the rest of the day may be unpredictable, I am fully medicated.

Probs being…..I’ve slept about four hours for about a week consecutively now. And now I’m trying to take naps and I even talked to my doc about upping the meds, but it’s a little insane. I mean, given circumstances at home and that my surgery’s coming up, my psych thinks I have a little leeway to get a bit emotional, but I’m still panicking about the extent, you know.

That and I’m eating less (not that that’s the most awful thing ever for me), I’m getting more fidgety, et cetera.

Kinda blows. Now I want more ice cream.

Breaking In The Bipolar

Those in the know just kind of know. There kinda always comes some sort of moment where new friends/family/colleagues just become privy to the fact that you are bipolar and/or possess a mood disorder. It being a mood disorder, it makes public appearances sometimes. Oh well. I mean, depending on who they are, hopeful it won’t do anything to your relationship. I know with a lot of my friends, they knew me for so long beforehand that being diagnosed just “explains a lot”.

Then again, I know romantic relationships and otherwise more personal ties can get stickier. The significant other may get more offended when you/I have an episode; things could just get messy. I’ve had relationships, for instance, where the other person gets really defensive of me, and they want to be the superhero and fix everything, and I sorry- bipolar don’t work dat way.

Family can work lots of ways, I’ve found. Some don’t even acknowledge it exists, like any disorder with any person, really. Others can get over-defensive, again, or don’t know how to approach it, because they are the ones who’ve known you you’re whole life and now want to treat you like you can break. It’s kind of easy to treat bipolaroids like that, I suppose.

I mean, we’ve always been family/friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/et cetera we’re jst on pills now and seeing a psychiatrist, why should you care? You don’t ever have to go to the doctor with me. Just have a little empathy. And you thought PMS was bad.

Artist

Wow I

Never realized how

Lucky I am

That I can fall in

And out of my mind

So easily

I seem to know everyone in the world

Who can only

Suffer their own human

Condition

Waking Up Before My Alarm

This is the fourth day in a row I’ve woken up before my alarm clock. I wouldn’t consider this an issue if I didn’t normally get up at 5 am and/or this means I’m only getting about 3 hours of sleep. And I’m not tired. At all. Not an ounce. I think a little too happy. Maybe cocaine-happy.

I believe I should do something about this.

Record This #1

I know no one’s really

Listening but someone should hear it

Anyway I’m

Not as tough as I pretend to be

I will laugh if you are funny

Cry if you make me sad

Fall head over heels if you love me

And worst,

Feel it all three hundred times

All over again and

Just be okay with that.

I would love to say it’s chemistry

It’s a part of me

But a part of a person is something they can explain

This is just something I am

I am stuck being

A human snow globe

For the whole world to watch

A walking temper tantrum

Sometimes just a waiting tidal wave

Especially that no matter what

Nobody ever goes down

With me

No One’s Believed Me All Day That I’m So Happy

It’s not all the clouds here

And it’s pretty damp and cold

Just that the effort

It took to frown got old

And I thought I think

I’m happier this way it’s

Freeing not be tied down by

Depression like a

Suicidal safety blanket

My head’s a little

Less quiet

But at least it laughs along

How To Tease

Call it a

 Life-or-death

Decision on

The phone but

I’m really just asking you to

Get over here

Whichever gets you here faster

But you could just flip a coin

To see if you come or not

Whichever makes

Up your mind

Faster

Just know what I’d do 

To get you over here

……..Yeah, that

Come

Come

I could make another

Dumb excuse but

By now you want

To come it’s been

A few hours a

Few conversations a

Few texts a

Picture. Come.

Never mind. 

Phase over.

Used To it

I know we'll still get pissed tonight

At each other and scream

But it's pretty pointless so

Just say it you're tired it's a long night sleep on the couch

And leave me be

It's not this it's not that

With your choice words

And whatever, I’m really not listening

You're overtired, aren't you?

Me too

I guess the couch is fine,

But I want your damn pillow cuz it smells like you

Yeah, good night

I'll make you coffee and wake you up before I leave

Sigh

Yep, I know. I love you, too.

Keeping The Peace & All That Means

They’re always bitching about

Keeping the peace

Whatever that means

Like we’re supposed to close our

Eyes

And hold 

Hands

In the dark

Juliet

And Romeo

In our matching black and white

Caskets

We don’t want to be those martyrs

Those surrenders, defenders, horrenders, 

Dead-enders.

Because that’s farther and farther from 

The real thing

Than you’ve really ever seen

Romeo

Oh Romeo

They’re always bitching about

Keeping the peace

I don’t think

They really know

All that means

I Never Get Farther Than ‘Young And Innocent’

So just watch
The devil
Will dance
The devil will dance with me
Just ‘cuz
He heard we were dancing last night
Under the raining fucking willow trees
And
My name will be
On the bullets
That go through
The little kids’ heads
Just from the
Crazy things that
We did
And they figured well
We knew it, so far for her as we fell
This bullet signed by her
Will be so
Much better than hell
Well I know for a fact
Before you leave
In the morning you’ll
Want me back someday
So now
The devil knows from the dancing
The kids know from the experience
You know from the wanting
And I know from the attention
God, the nerves are the worst part

How ELSE Not To Help A Suicidal Friend

Okay……..stolen from a blogger I may have developed a slight crush on in the past two days, Bipolar Bear, he wrote a piece on how not to help a suicidal friend. It reminded me exactly of a friend of…..well, not even my friend, really. My ex-boyfriend’s best friend.

Anyways- I was talking to my boyfriend, and he said he had to go because he was talking to his friend, and of course (because I am the nosiest bitch EVER) I had to ask what was going on. He said his friend had been having issues with depression.

See, this is what happens when you don’t tell me not to do anything about something. Because I will do something. Oh my God.

So I found this guy coming out of school the next day when he was walking to his car (I was only fresh meat and he was a senior, by some sort of law we weren’t supposed to be seen together) and I just walked on up to him and asked how he was doing. He knew I knew right away. Didn’t’ bother asking. Just kinda knew I got it. And we weren’t comparing war stories, we weren’t trying to beat each other, because if we dug all the way probably we’d just be more depressed, and things would just suck more, and it wouldn’t get us shit anywhere. Things just suck sometimes, we both could tell. I mean SUCK! It did for my ex, it did for me, it definitely did for this kid, does for a lot of people. So there is no point in comparing here and now. Because now is going to be a different now in a week. In two weeks. In ten years. In our funeral guest books.

I mean, coming from the most cynical high-schooler alive, I can’t promise it’ll be much better, but at least it’ll be different.

 

The casual suicidal thought (and how to talk yourself out of it)

The casual suicidal thought (and how to talk yourself out of it).

Poem #1 (not really)

I don’t know when I wrote it, somewhere in the past year and maybe one of my friends can tell you, but I really wanted a place to put all my shit. That, and not get copyrighted. And I hate Tumblr. So here it goes. Feel free to jump in, join, have me post it (I’m trying to make this an open forum) but anyways, here goes nothing!

We’re convinced this is a

Sickness and there’s no cure

This is a madness and we keep on screaming

Like someone’s chasing but they’re just not

We’re both so paranoid like junkies coming off.

The sweat rolls down like tears

With all the made-up monsters coming near

We were so close, we were always so effing close

I’m only losing my mind in here