Hey


You guys, it’s so cool! I have a social life now! Or, again. Man, I got invited to a birthday party. This has pretty much never happened to me. Either shitty little girls had to invite me because they were inviting everyone in the neighborhood or I was friends with boys who’s only ‘birthday parties’ were ordering pizza…..

I’m inexperienced.

Negatives


Negatives

Okay, I usually don’t think about positivity and the new year and all this crap until about December 26, so deal with my negative ass until then.

I’m fucking done with people. That may just be because I have a cold and I’m cranky, my Chemistry teacher is trying to fail me because he doesn’t believe in modern medicine (which is kind of an oxymoron), my mother is certainly the most selfish bitch I’ve ever met in my life, my friends are absolutely no help, my dad is no help, no one EVER ANSWERS THEIR PHONES ANYMORE, and the one thing I really want to do with my life right now is return every Christmas present I bought and then go buy a bra that fits and a haircut to trim my bangs. Yes. All I want out of life right now.

So, you see, I don’t have high expectations, I have high inexpectations. As in STOP GIVING ME SHIT YOU UNEMPATHETIC ASSHOLES!

Okay, I think I’m done for the day.

Breaking In The Bipolar


Bipolar break-ins

Those in the know just kind of know. There kinda always comes some sort of moment where new friends/family/colleagues just become privy to the fact that you are bipolar and/or possess a mood disorder. It being a mood disorder, it makes public appearances sometimes. Oh well. I mean, depending on who they are, hopeful it won’t do anything to your relationship. I know with a lot of my friends, they knew me for so long beforehand that being diagnosed just “explains a lot”.

Then again, I know romantic relationships and otherwise more personal ties can get stickier. The significant other may get more offended when you/I have an episode; things could just get messy. I’ve had relationships, for instance, where the other person gets really defensive of me, and they want to be the superhero and fix everything, and I sorry- bipolar don’t work dat way.

Family can work lots of ways, I’ve found. Some don’t even acknowledge it exists, like any disorder with any person, really. Others can get over-defensive, again, or don’t know how to approach it, because they are the ones who’ve known you you’re whole life and now want to treat you like you can break. It’s kind of easy to treat bipolaroids like that, I suppose.

I mean, we’ve always been family/friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/et cetera we’re jst on pills now and seeing a psychiatrist, why should you care? You don’t ever have to go to the doctor with me. Just have a little empathy. And you thought PMS was bad.


How’s everybody doing today? Not bad, personally. Doesn’t happen too often, so I’m quite happy with that.

But I’m a bit unhappy ’tis holiday season, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’m one of those people. In particular I hate Thanksgiving.

I mean, the principle is awesome. We’re supposed to be thankful for what we have, and acknowledge that some people don’t have those things. But you know, they also don’t have those things the other 364 days of the year, why are we only noticing one Thursday in November just because a newscaster said to? If anyone honestly cares, and itsn’t just doing it to look awesome, then do it in fucking April or something and be awesome then. You’ll still be feeding the Pedro the Homeless Man.

Another point, what is so fucking festive about stuffing yourself with food? Going back to being thankful, why gorge yourself in the faces of people who don’t have anything to eat at all? No? Makes no sense, correct? Did not think so.

In particular, do you see this family at any oter time during the year? If you are like a teacher of mine, and you spend it with a neighbor who has no family in the country, then I respect you fully, but don’t fake it

Bah-fucking-humbug

Sneak Peek, Hmmm?


See now, remember that part about me being too poor to publish shit? Well, I’m still working on that whole publishing thing, but I figured a little sneak peek can’t hurt anyone, correct? Get a little early notoriety. I’m not a terrible writer.

 

“Your fly’s not zipped up,” Kevin looked down in panic, then smacked me in the ass with the side of his Topsider, the laces undone. He glared at me, all red-faced, then gave me this little pouty, nervous look. We stood smack in front of Melanie’s grave, the lovely minister (ministress?) beside us. I’d seen her around town before, just kept forgetting her name. Brunette, maybe in her thirties. She has kids if I remember right. Two.

                “She didn’t skip out on me, did she?” Kevin asked worriedly, his voice low and tense. “She wouldn’t do that. Right? That wouldn’t make sense? Should I be worried?” I rolled my eyes. Drama queen. He starts biting his nail absently.

                “Thea hasn’t started the music, moron. Everything’s fine. You’re leaving this graveyard married if I have to drag her out by her ankles.”

                “But that’s how we get her back home anyways.” He reasoned.

                “I am going to pretend I can’t hear you boys.” The ministress says not-so-quietly, sniggering. We agreed five days prior to pay her in smuggled beer and a free night at the local hotel, courtesy of Mikel and Dani. We were broke beyond broke in our early adulthood.

                “You got it, ma’am.” We nodded. I heard the cadence start through my crappy $0.99 speakers twenty feet away, and Kevin perked up, his eyes wet.

                “Here we go.” I whisper up at him, and he beams.          

Teenagers Scare The Living Shit Out Of Me


My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance put it perfectly.

I mean, being one, I can neither really defend nor be terribly shocked, but high school is weird. Was high school always this weird? Was it weirder ten years ago? I’m lost, man.

Anyway, point of the personal conversation. One day at lunch, teenagers happened to be scaring the particular shit out of me. And the administration walking by. We were discussing my funeral plans. This was about six months before I was re-diagnosed. So I was simply having a bipolaroid moment. Subsequently, the group of them were.

With many of these stories I have, it’s like with the game Clue, I have The Usual Suspects. And, of course, there was my ex, before he was my ex before we were dating (which means this was before he said two words a day to me, so we were on good terms).

Anyway, checklist:

– That casket has to be purple (I’m slightly colorblind from the radiation, just to shades, so browns bother me. Yes, I care about this postmortem)

– Funeral procession (WTF) dressed as grim reapers

– My friend Matt has to work into the eulogy us going Black Friday shopping dressed as drag queens

– They want me to buried in my blue dress that makes my boobs look good

– Their after party has to feature MCR’s “Cancer” (Naturally, right?)

– No Jesus-y sermon shit- I’m atheist. Not happening.

-Violet violets, not fucking blue!

– No crying. Absolutely no effing crying. Unless you were sad I was alive, do not cry. Or get out. I’ll haunt you.

 

This was released onto the Inter-webs of sound mind for better or worse. Names were not mentioned to protect the semi-innocent. If you tried hard enough, you could track the others down.

 

Drownnig in Adorable


BUBBA!!

So one of my bestest friends in the world, I introduce him as my brother to new people, Bubba, did one of the most possible adorable things ever last night.

So first, he, like many others who tolerate me, doesn’t have any obligation to tolerate me. He is my old roommate Kathleen’s (my designated surrogate mom) nephew, and I’ve really known them all since I was in diapers. Bubba still has a picture of him holding me- fucking adorable, right?

So he heard from Kathleen that everybody broke up with me (the girl is his cousin, too) and he got super pissed off. So he called last night and was like, “Fuck Hannah, I’ll be your date.” He’s twenty-one and I know doesn’t want to go to a high school dance. But that was about the most adorable thing he’s ever said to me.

I mean, it ended up he couldn’t go, because the school gets nervous if you can legally buy beer, but gotta love that boy.

See, this is also the guy that, after my first date stood me up, he took me out for dinner and that movie we were gonna go see. He was only there ‘cuz he was gonna chaperone anyway, but yeah……

Most people want to marry men like their fathers. I can only hope to marry a guy like him.

SO NOT COOL!!!!!


Alright, I’m not the one in the wrong here, correct?

See, for Homecoming this year a group of four of us were going- myself, my oldest best friend Hannah, my friend Ian (who’s boyfriend is in another country and ASKED if I would take him), and my recently outed other best friend Matt. The latter two, frankly, because they would not have gone had I not included them, and neither will be here next year.

So we made these plans three weeks ago. Bought our tickets three weeks ago. Who’s driving, characters (the theme is Wizard of Oz), etc. So, starting last Friday night, I was supposed to go with Hannah to the mall dress shopping, because if I didn’t she’d come back looking like a Russian prostitute- I’m not effing kidding. Some other girlfriend of hers comes up with her, which I didn’t care about,, and her mom. She tells me AS I’M GETTING IN THE CAR that she has a new date, so she’s decided she’s gonna go with him. Doesn’t even care about me.

Doesn’t even say sorry. That’s the thing that pisses me off the most.

Keeps me trapped in the mall for the next 5 hours carrying stripper dresses, treats me like dirt, (I think the only people who were decent to me were the girl who came along and the sales clerk at Nordstrom’s), and about the fifth hour I just fucking left. I was done with it. And she never even fucking apologized.

I haven’t really spoken to her since. But then there was Matt.

So Matt comes up to me at lunch and tells me straight that he refunded his ticket and didn’t even want to go anyway, that he got tickets to go to some theme park that night instead. Leaves. Does not say sorry. Sees me on the bus later and pretend like it was totally cool shit. I liked it better in seventh grade when I used to give him black eyes on a regular basis, you know?

Oh, and Ian. Ian is probably grounded because he feels this dumbass need to just rebel against every stupid rule in front of him. Like, I don’t see the point of a lot of it. He snuck his phone out of his parents’ room when he was already supposed to be grounded. He is such a dumbass it’s not even funny anymore.

Just- I deal with all their shit so 24-7 it’s not even cool. I pretend to like what they like, care about what they care about, listen when they need me to fucking listen. And they all talk a fucking LOT! I ask for one fucking thing, and nobody can give me that. I’m  sick of being a second-class citizen to all of them. I try to do so much for them, and the one thing I ask, no one is ever willing to do. I don’t see what is fucking fair about that.

Why I Deserve Purgatory #1


Okay, so big breakthrough today. My best friend that I’ve known since, like, seventh grade came out to me this morning that he’s gay. I mean, great, good for him, supper proud, BUT, I did not react that well. I’m slightly sarcastic with my reactions, see, and thank goodness he anticipated this, or he probably would’ve really gotten his feelings hurt.

My words: “Well, no shit.” Everybody else who overheard this has not stopped giving me shit, and I feel like in a couple ears I’ll probably feel like I should’ve been more sensitive, but COME ON! It was just so stupidly obvious that it bugged the hell out of me I couldn’t walk up to him and jus t go “You know you’re gay, right?” Whatever. I’ll apologize at his wedding. Be like, ‘Hey, sorry for being a bitch at your coming-out party, But you still loved me for it, so that’s what counts.”

Will & Grace: Next Generation 😀