You don’t know paranoid, honey….


Not joking. I think I may have spiraled myself into a hypomanic episode. Okay.

So, to prevent such a decline all out of the blue and such, I keep a record of how much sleep I get. When I see my psych, I bring this list to him. As well, I keep my meds on my nightstand and take them at very specific times during the day, so that though the rest of the day may be unpredictable, I am fully medicated.

Probs being…..I’ve slept about four hours for about a week consecutively now. And now I’m trying to take naps and I even talked to my doc about upping the meds, but it’s a little insane. I mean, given circumstances at home and that my surgery’s coming up, my psych thinks I have a little leeway to get a bit emotional, but I’m still panicking about the extent, you know.

That and I’m eating less (not that that’s the most awful thing ever for me), I’m getting more fidgety, et cetera.

Kinda blows. Now I want more ice cream.

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Negatives


Negatives

Okay, I usually don’t think about positivity and the new year and all this crap until about December 26, so deal with my negative ass until then.

I’m fucking done with people. That may just be because I have a cold and I’m cranky, my Chemistry teacher is trying to fail me because he doesn’t believe in modern medicine (which is kind of an oxymoron), my mother is certainly the most selfish bitch I’ve ever met in my life, my friends are absolutely no help, my dad is no help, no one EVER ANSWERS THEIR PHONES ANYMORE, and the one thing I really want to do with my life right now is return every Christmas present I bought and then go buy a bra that fits and a haircut to trim my bangs. Yes. All I want out of life right now.

So, you see, I don’t have high expectations, I have high inexpectations. As in STOP GIVING ME SHIT YOU UNEMPATHETIC ASSHOLES!

Okay, I think I’m done for the day.

Why Special K Is So Special, ‘Kay?


Not the cereal, although I am reminded of a phase around ten-ish where I was obsessed with the flaky deliciousness.

That’s what I call the psychiatrist I’ve been going to for the past two years (his last name is something strange and begins with a K), and he provides the ‘special pills,’ hence Special K. It caught around the office pretty fast. He has a plaque and everything now.

So, I finally got to see him today, because I had to cut down to every once every three months because of insurance BS. Got to cut halfway through school AND see my fave hippie retread in the whole world. Seriously, he has gray hair past his shoulders now his granddaughters French braid (I’ve seen pictures) and he listens to Cream cover bands.

I was complaining about why I haven’t been able to sleep since I last saw him (and that it wasn’t because I missed him SO dearly), what with sometimes waking up multiple times, oversleeping, and then about once every six months being a normal human being for maybe two nights. Horrendous pattern.

He has got to be the first person I have ever heard to simply say “It’s because you have migraines and arthritis and your mother is a mess.” I wanted to hug the man. This was not the first time I’d had the compulsion to do so.

And not only did above take place, he wnt out into the hall, told my mother the root cause of why I was not experiencing regular sleep patterns, that it was not because I was experiencing another manic episode, and that she should be rather GRATEFUL I don’t complain about being in such constant pain more than I do.

Wow, she was not happy. But it seriously made Christmas.

Breaking In The Bipolar


Bipolar break-ins

Those in the know just kind of know. There kinda always comes some sort of moment where new friends/family/colleagues just become privy to the fact that you are bipolar and/or possess a mood disorder. It being a mood disorder, it makes public appearances sometimes. Oh well. I mean, depending on who they are, hopeful it won’t do anything to your relationship. I know with a lot of my friends, they knew me for so long beforehand that being diagnosed just “explains a lot”.

Then again, I know romantic relationships and otherwise more personal ties can get stickier. The significant other may get more offended when you/I have an episode; things could just get messy. I’ve had relationships, for instance, where the other person gets really defensive of me, and they want to be the superhero and fix everything, and I sorry- bipolar don’t work dat way.

Family can work lots of ways, I’ve found. Some don’t even acknowledge it exists, like any disorder with any person, really. Others can get over-defensive, again, or don’t know how to approach it, because they are the ones who’ve known you you’re whole life and now want to treat you like you can break. It’s kind of easy to treat bipolaroids like that, I suppose.

I mean, we’ve always been family/friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/et cetera we’re jst on pills now and seeing a psychiatrist, why should you care? You don’t ever have to go to the doctor with me. Just have a little empathy. And you thought PMS was bad.

Record This #1


I know no one’s really

Listening but someone should hear it

Anyway I’m

Not as tough as I pretend to be

I will laugh if you are funny

Cry if you make me sad

Fall head over heels if you love me

And worst,

Feel it all three hundred times

All over again and

Just be okay with that.

I would love to say it’s chemistry

It’s a part of me

But a part of a person is something they can explain

This is just something I am

I am stuck being

A human snow globe

For the whole world to watch

A walking temper tantrum

Sometimes just a waiting tidal wave

Especially that no matter what

Nobody ever goes down

With me

How To Tease


Call it a
 Life-or-death
Decision on
The phone but
I’m really just asking you to
Get over here
Whichever gets you here faster
But you could just flip a coin
To see if you come or not
Whichever makes
Up your mind
Faster
Just know what I’d do 
To get you over here
……..Yeah, that
Come
Come
I could make another
Dumb excuse but
By now you want
To come it’s been
A few hours a
Few conversations a
Few texts a
Picture. Come.
Never mind. 
Phase over.