Just like everyone else in line
I’m tired and near starving
So just give me my pain relief
And I’ll leave
Substitute it with methamphetamines and
Don’t even tell me
If you please
I hate going down to the church in
The middle of the night with all
My religious dead friends
And asking the minister to answer
JUST ONE STUPID…..question
Am I going to get out alive?
And I leave and he never answers.
And never again we go.
The dancing/The delirium/The dying
The good stuff
The reek of religion in the air
Like it helps
Don’t anyone dare pray for me,
I silently hope
The whole family dies of cancer but
Please don’t tell anyone I’m
Still trying to go to heaven
You’re very welcome
I’ve never seen so much beauty in submission
Now we are




How is it going to happen?
Are we going to know it or
Will it hit everybody right in
The soft spot at the most inconvenient moment?
Sitting in a desk or lying asleep or
Feeding your neighbor’s cat
I feel like that’s when it always comes.

And then there are those insane people
The ones that go looking for it, the loons
We should lock them up and cut off all functioning
Parts before anything bad
Happens, I sometimes think.

But, you know, anyone
Who knows will just tell you
It’s a part of the life
And You learn from it
And it comes slow but
Leaves fast, thank God
If you’re not too tied up in it
To begin

And whether anyone likes it or not,
If you’re not in it then you’re waiting
For it
But you remember everyone saying what happens?
And that it’s a part of life?
And that it could just pass too if you’re lucky?

Sum Up Your Life In Lyrics

A friend of mine asked me once (just bringing this up because I took my meds too early and now I can’t sleep) to sum my life up in song lyrics. Not whole songs, just little snippets here and there.

“There ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe, I’m on the dark side of the road” (I’ll be disappointed in America for not knowing that one)

“And you’d dance around in your t-shirt and sing Don’t you love Modest Mouse and adore Promise Ring? Don’t you wish that you could just avoid everything? Join a band, go on tour, and think of me when you sing?” (Duet- The Airborne Toxic Event)

“Honey if you stay, I’ll be forgiving. Nothing you can say can stop me going home,” (Famous Last Words, My Chemical Romance)

Teenagers Scare The Living Shit Out Of Me

My Chemical Romance

My Chemical Romance put it perfectly.

I mean, being one, I can neither really defend nor be terribly shocked, but high school is weird. Was high school always this weird? Was it weirder ten years ago? I’m lost, man.

Anyway, point of the personal conversation. One day at lunch, teenagers happened to be scaring the particular shit out of me. And the administration walking by. We were discussing my funeral plans. This was about six months before I was re-diagnosed. So I was simply having a bipolaroid moment. Subsequently, the group of them were.

With many of these stories I have, it’s like with the game Clue, I have The Usual Suspects. And, of course, there was my ex, before he was my ex before we were dating (which means this was before he said two words a day to me, so we were on good terms).

Anyway, checklist:

– That casket has to be purple (I’m slightly colorblind from the radiation, just to shades, so browns bother me. Yes, I care about this postmortem)

– Funeral procession (WTF) dressed as grim reapers

– My friend Matt has to work into the eulogy us going Black Friday shopping dressed as drag queens

– They want me to buried in my blue dress that makes my boobs look good

– Their after party has to feature MCR’s “Cancer” (Naturally, right?)

– No Jesus-y sermon shit- I’m atheist. Not happening.

-Violet violets, not fucking blue!

– No crying. Absolutely no effing crying. Unless you were sad I was alive, do not cry. Or get out. I’ll haunt you.


This was released onto the Inter-webs of sound mind for better or worse. Names were not mentioned to protect the semi-innocent. If you tried hard enough, you could track the others down.


You And Your Dumb Fate

You just try to always
Take it as dumb
Fate when our
Song doesn’t play
But if we were held
Together by words as such
We’d have been done
Long before now
That’s why music came before words and you,
You’re the loud first
Beat of the kick drum
And I your faithful second
I know you long to be the violins, dear
The ones everyone comes to hear
I don’t think I’d
Have come to heard
A violin, so soft
Wrong word, so constant
You change and stay the same all at once
And we both do
You and I will always be
The back-and-forth beat
And the crashing last keys
And love
I'm still wondering if any of it should mean a  thing

Record This #4

My mother came into my room today before work and wanted to braid my hair. Okay, I see where that’s normal for most mother/daughter relationships, but my mother has never said anything positive about how I look in the history of EVER! And you know why? Grandma’s dying, ha! The one time my mother is a wonderful person to me, she’s in some sort of reverse mid-life crisis. Yesterday she made me breakfast. I am forcing everyone else to process this catastrophe with me.

Record This #2

I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
We have to go through
Single file
From my experience it’s heat between bodies
And sped-up heartbeats
Losing your words but not really needing to find them
Love was suddenly this is a good year
Warm hands everywhere
On hands and hips and worse
I get the feeling it gets worse when you get older
Older and wiser
Or more cynical and you stop seeing Love is all
I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
Well, I’ve been told a million others
I don’t listen to one

Maggie Says I’m Innocent

I’m no good at this
Poetry is hit or miss
Good things come to the blessed
Maggie always swears I’m innocent
Never counted sheep
So I never went to sleep
I spent my nights a creep
The world’s a lonely place to sleep
When she’s praying even, 
Maggie tells her Lord I’m innocent
This is something new to me
Her future’s far as the eye can see
And yet she chose to run with me
Never looked back
And I ain’t never seen jack
‘Cuz it’s really all up to her and me
Because Maggie tells everybody I’m innocent!
I’ve been on the run and
It’s never been too much fun
Stop this madness for ‘while
Just stop; you just keep screaming like some child
And I don’t think I really care
In Maggie’s eyes
I’ll always be innocent

I Wanna Be A New Person

Who’s with me?

I mean, doesn’t anybody ever think about it sometimes? Don’t give me all that ‘my life is wonderful just the way it is’ crap. Being someone else has at one point to everyone seemed somewhat appealing. It’s not that we’re unhappy with our lives, but someone else has a different life. Someone has a harder life. Someone may have a harder life and maybe I’ll just do their job for a day so they can take off and be me, too. How ’bout that for impossibilities, since we’re on the subject? You’re best friend at one point has dated a significant other you’ve really had a crush on, be honest. Happens. It doesn’t mean you wanna cheat on your husband for a day or experience racism or to be racist of whatever the fuck but-

Some of us just aren’t that good at being who we are, frankly!!!!!

I Fucking Hate Rollercoasters, Man.

I know we'll be
Just fine
When we learn
To love
The ride
So quiet 
At the
Dance we
Speak in hushed
Voices like
The ghosts of failure and
Nervousness can hear our teeth 
You know they're talking about us right?
Yeah, if we ignore it 
Maybe they'll go away.
That's what the counselors 
In third grade 
Told us to do 
Have you ever heard something so
Like your lovers could just pack their bags and
And love, you know 
We'll be just fine
Because we really
Loved the ride

Being A Good Whiner

Happiness is
Just your good
Punishment in disguise
Yeah, I sound like
A total pessimist bitch but
I’m probably right how
Many times have you
Been so uncomprehendingly happy, been
In love or had a new job or had money,
And nobody knew what
The fuck to even do?
So everybody just lost everything because
They couldn’t get their bearings in time?
People just don’t know what
To do with 
That’s why there are starter marriages
And credit card maxes
And psychiatric wards
Been there
Be there
So people if you know
What’s good for
You stop being happy
It’s killing the rest of us
I’m personally on my way out
Be miserable if you have to
Just stop

Sometime Cynicism and Being Right Go Hand-In-Hand

My dad isn’t worried about his life, he says, because he can count on three things in it for sure: taxes, his car breaking down, and death.

He’s a pessimist.

He’s evaded taxes for years, which bit him in the ass during the divorce, his car breaks down once a week (he now drives a soccer-mom minivan courtesy of his adopted sister) and his brakes have more than once completely failed on him, and in his sleep sometimes I hear him unconsciously praying for someone to just kill him already.

I don’t think I blame the old man. Actually, I do. He wouldn’t let me out so easy, I’m not going to either.

But going through three brain tumors, a shitty job, no education, a crappy marriage to a psychopath, now life biting you in the ass every time it sharpens its teeth, I’m almost not blaming him for being the cynical shit he is. I’m blaming him for all the other shit he’s done, but not for being cynical.

Sometimes cynicism and being right go hand-in-hand.