Going to see my dad for the weekend. He’s being weird. Like, he’s happy. Either he met a girl or he actually has lung cancer. I have mixed feelings about this.
My roommate’s still being a c^nt. I think I might kill her soon. Mom aid she’ll kick her ass out this weekend, but she’s gone soft on her all summer so I doubt it. Apparently not having a job wasn’t okay with Kathleen but with this chick, it’s cool because jobs aren’t just lying around.
Oh, and I finally found a copy of Brave New World at the secondhand bookstore I go to. Cost me more than it’s really worth ‘cuz it was on the bestseller list, but I could never find a copy at B & N, so I’d practically given up hope of ever seeing it again in print.
Oh, and I really wanna go see that Lucy movie. Dying to know if it’s any good.
Have a good weekend!
Been too busy lately………doctors appointments and my mom and all sorts of crap. But hey, went to my MRI yesterday, and they told me I’m probably not gonna die this week! There’s the upside for this week!
Just kidding. Tomorrow’s also my birthday. I’ll be sixteen. I’ve seriously told every person I’ve come across. I told all the staff at the hotel I stayed at this weekend, I told the guy at Starbucks yesterday, my brain tumor group threw me a birthday party yesterday (CAKE!)……
I don’t let a lot of people forget about my birthday. My father has forgotten my birthday three years in a row, so it’s kind of a sore thing. I make up for it. I even bought a birthday crown at the party store to wear to school because Kathleen broke mine a while ago……….
I’m sick of your nails in my skin
I’m not your little girl anymore, I don’t want your
Or any other hands anywhere near me
God knows where they’ve been, right?
Hide behind your bleached personality and beached
Mind games; We’re used to it; I’m
Done with it
Done with secret languages inside jokes favorite park
Benches and secret anthems to total personal anarchy
I don’t actually need you for all that.
I just needed you to make all the mistakes,
Like any good mastermind.
So thank you kindly for shorts skirts no conscience and boredom
Particularly the latter
I won’t tell
I’m not that kind of person, we both know
Neither are you
We’ll be good
But birds aren’t afraid to fall out of their own nests, are they?
That’s right when they remember they have wings
My Chemical Romance put it perfectly.
I mean, being one, I can neither really defend nor be terribly shocked, but high school is weird. Was high school always this weird? Was it weirder ten years ago? I’m lost, man.
Anyway, point of the personal conversation. One day at lunch, teenagers happened to be scaring the particular shit out of me. And the administration walking by. We were discussing my funeral plans. This was about six months before I was re-diagnosed. So I was simply having a bipolaroid moment. Subsequently, the group of them were.
With many of these stories I have, it’s like with the game Clue, I have The Usual Suspects. And, of course, there was my ex, before he was my ex before we were dating (which means this was before he said two words a day to me, so we were on good terms).
– That casket has to be purple (I’m slightly colorblind from the radiation, just to shades, so browns bother me. Yes, I care about this postmortem)
– Funeral procession (WTF) dressed as grim reapers
– My friend Matt has to work into the eulogy us going Black Friday shopping dressed as drag queens
– They want me to buried in my blue dress that makes my boobs look good
– Their after party has to feature MCR’s “Cancer” (Naturally, right?)
– No Jesus-y sermon shit- I’m atheist. Not happening.
-Violet violets, not fucking blue!
– No crying. Absolutely no effing crying. Unless you were sad I was alive, do not cry. Or get out. I’ll haunt you.
This was released onto the Inter-webs of sound mind for better or worse. Names were not mentioned to protect the semi-innocent. If you tried hard enough, you could track the others down.
I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
We have to go through
From my experience it’s heat between bodies
And sped-up heartbeats
Losing your words but not really needing to find them
Love was suddenly this is a good year
Warm hands everywhere
On hands and hips and worse
I get the feeling it gets worse when you get older
Older and wiser
Or more cynical and you stop seeing Love is all
I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
Well, I’ve been told a million others
I don’t listen to one
This is the fourth day in a row I’ve woken up before my alarm clock. I wouldn’t consider this an issue if I didn’t normally get up at 5 am and/or this means I’m only getting about 3 hours of sleep. And I’m not tired. At all. Not an ounce. I think a little too happy. Maybe cocaine-happy.
I believe I should do something about this.
It’s not all the clouds here
And it’s pretty damp and cold
Just that the effort
It took to frown got old
And I thought I think
I’m happier this way it’s
Freeing not be tied down by
Depression like a
Suicidal safety blanket
My head’s a little
But at least it laughs along
Who’s with me?
I mean, doesn’t anybody ever think about it sometimes? Don’t give me all that ‘my life is wonderful just the way it is’ crap. Being someone else has at one point to everyone seemed somewhat appealing. It’s not that we’re unhappy with our lives, but someone else has a different life. Someone has a harder life. Someone may have a harder life and maybe I’ll just do their job for a day so they can take off and be me, too. How ’bout that for impossibilities, since we’re on the subject? You’re best friend at one point has dated a significant other you’ve really had a crush on, be honest. Happens. It doesn’t mean you wanna cheat on your husband for a day or experience racism or to be racist of whatever the fuck but-
Some of us just aren’t that good at being who we are, frankly!!!!!
I know we'll be
When we learn
Speak in hushed
The ghosts of failure and
Nervousness can hear our teeth
You know they're talking about us right?
Yeah, if we ignore it
Maybe they'll go away.
That's what the counselors
In third grade
Told us to do
Have you ever heard something so
Like your lovers could just pack their bags and
And love, you know
We'll be just fine
Because we really
Loved the ride
Just your good
Punishment in disguise
Yeah, I sound like
A total pessimist bitch but
I’m probably right how
Many times have you
Been so uncomprehendingly happy, been
In love or had a new job or had money,
And nobody knew what
The fuck to even do?
So everybody just lost everything because
They couldn’t get their bearings in time?
People just don’t know what
To do with
That’s why there are starter marriages
And credit card maxes
And psychiatric wards
So people if you know
What’s good for
You stop being happy
It’s killing the rest of us
I’m personally on my way out
Be miserable if you have to
One day when you were gone
A crack grew in
The rooftop and
I watch it rain
All damn day
If you’re not the one
Then why do our hands
Together this way
Do you have anything left to say?
When you came back the sun was shining,
But the flowers had all drowned anyway
You replanted them in my chest
Left me started, going, like all the rest
Somehow I know we’re more than friends
When you say you’re dreaming of yourself
Lying on my rooftop
You stop and smile like
That’s not actually as far as you got
Just keep it to yourself and blush
Like this ain’t nothing like falling in love
You were just a girl
With a teardrop
Who broke all her promises and
Stopped in her tracks just to say hi
Your brother’s a nice man
He took my hand and he whispered
Be nice to her
She may or may not be
One of the good girls
We’ll all just sit idly by and
Wait for this story to unfurl
And it was midnight in
The middle of summer, you
Left your number on my cupboard
Like a charade of the insane
Her black sails and her red nails disappearing in the sea
Did you ever see?
Such stupid things
As you and me?
Did you ever see the sails before they disappeared into the sea?
I legit did mean to do this the night I came home, like I had my super opinionated opinion all laid out and everything, but I fell dead-ass asleep as soon as I walked in my house, Just didn’t worked out how I planned. Anyways, playing were Twenty-One Pilots (down to two), Panic! At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy was technically headlining. Bull.
So, first, I had never heard of Pilots before I heard they were playing at this concert, so I just looked them up on YouTube and I was just immediately like, “Yup, fuck no.” Like, that shit just didn’t work. Okay, the reason it sounds super bass-y and rattles your skull is because that’s the only instrument left. And sorry, but white boy, you can’t rap. I know you think you can, but no. Eminem, that’s about it. But he gore up in a trailer park. And he must’ve had about four Monsters before the show ‘cuz he went about batshit insane onstage, even P!ATD afterwards was really confused, like WTF????
Now, I’ve been a Panic fan since I was five, so I’m totally biased, but they seriously did a great job. I mean, their stage presence was awesome, ‘cuz if you’ve seen the PC, it’s not all too flashy, so they really did make a little go a long way. Bubba (my friend/brother that came with) had a blast too, and Kathleen (old roommate/foster mom) was all excited ‘cuz she went to her first emo concert and actually knew two of the songs! Woohoo!
I knew going in FOB has a terrible presence onstage. I wanna put it down to stage fright, but NOBODY MOVES! It was stupid! The acoustics compensated, though, I think. But Bubba was thrilled, and it was really cool to see him so happy. I mean, I feel like a lot of people never see it, but I really like seeing people happy lie that. Kinda makes my week. Love the man.
I gotta start making people happier. Oh man, this could be interesting.