6/25/15

  

7/25/14

Going to see my dad for the weekend. He’s being weird. Like, he’s happy. Either he met a girl or he actually has lung cancer. I have mixed feelings about this.

My roommate’s still being a c^nt. I think I might kill her soon. Mom aid she’ll kick her ass out this weekend, but she’s gone soft on her all summer so I doubt it. Apparently not having a job wasn’t okay with Kathleen but with this chick, it’s cool because jobs aren’t just lying around.

Oh, and I finally found a copy of Brave New World at the secondhand bookstore I go to. Cost me more than it’s really worth ‘cuz it was on the bestseller list, but I could never find a copy at B & N, so I’d practically given up hope of ever seeing it again in print.

Oh, and I really wanna go see that Lucy movie. Dying to know if it’s any good.

Have a good weekend!

Almost My Birthday!

Been too busy lately………doctors appointments and my mom and all sorts of crap. But hey, went to my MRI yesterday, and they told me I’m probably not gonna die this week! There’s the upside for this week!

Just kidding. Tomorrow’s also my birthday. I’ll be sixteen. I’ve seriously told every person I’ve come across. I told all the staff at the hotel I stayed at this weekend, I told the guy at Starbucks yesterday, my brain tumor group threw me a birthday party yesterday (CAKE!)……

I don’t let a lot of people forget about my birthday. My father has forgotten my birthday three years in a row, so it’s kind of a sore thing. I make up for it. I even bought a birthday crown at the party store to wear to school because Kathleen broke mine a while ago……….

Sick, Better, Fine

I’m sick of your nails in my skin
I’m not your little girl anymore, I don’t want your
Or any other hands anywhere near me
God knows where they’ve been, right?
Hide behind your bleached personality and beached
Mind games; We’re used to it; I’m
Done with it
Done with secret languages inside jokes favorite park
Benches and secret anthems to total personal anarchy
I don’t actually need you for all that.
I just needed you to make all the mistakes,
Like any good mastermind.
So thank you kindly for shorts skirts no conscience and boredom
Particularly the latter
I won’t tell
I’m not that kind of person, we both know
Neither are you
We’ll be good
But birds aren’t afraid to fall out of their own nests, are they?
That’s right when they remember they have wings

Teenagers Scare The Living Shit Out Of Me

My Chemical Romance put it perfectly.

I mean, being one, I can neither really defend nor be terribly shocked, but high school is weird. Was high school always this weird? Was it weirder ten years ago? I’m lost, man.

Anyway, point of the personal conversation. One day at lunch, teenagers happened to be scaring the particular shit out of me. And the administration walking by. We were discussing my funeral plans. This was about six months before I was re-diagnosed. So I was simply having a bipolaroid moment. Subsequently, the group of them were.

With many of these stories I have, it’s like with the game Clue, I have The Usual Suspects. And, of course, there was my ex, before he was my ex before we were dating (which means this was before he said two words a day to me, so we were on good terms).

Anyway, checklist:

– That casket has to be purple (I’m slightly colorblind from the radiation, just to shades, so browns bother me. Yes, I care about this postmortem)

– Funeral procession (WTF) dressed as grim reapers

– My friend Matt has to work into the eulogy us going Black Friday shopping dressed as drag queens

– They want me to buried in my blue dress that makes my boobs look good

– Their after party has to feature MCR’s “Cancer” (Naturally, right?)

– No Jesus-y sermon shit- I’m atheist. Not happening.

-Violet violets, not fucking blue!

– No crying. Absolutely no effing crying. Unless you were sad I was alive, do not cry. Or get out. I’ll haunt you.

 

This was released onto the Inter-webs of sound mind for better or worse. Names were not mentioned to protect the semi-innocent. If you tried hard enough, you could track the others down.

 

Record This #2

I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
We have to go through
Single file
From my experience it’s heat between bodies
And sped-up heartbeats
Losing your words but not really needing to find them
Love was suddenly this is a good year
Warm hands everywhere
On hands and hips and worse
I get the feeling it gets worse when you get older
Older and wiser
Or more cynical and you stop seeing Love is all
I was told Love
Is all a really big lie
Well, I’ve been told a million others
I don’t listen to one

Waking Up Before My Alarm

This is the fourth day in a row I’ve woken up before my alarm clock. I wouldn’t consider this an issue if I didn’t normally get up at 5 am and/or this means I’m only getting about 3 hours of sleep. And I’m not tired. At all. Not an ounce. I think a little too happy. Maybe cocaine-happy.

I believe I should do something about this.

No One’s Believed Me All Day That I’m So Happy

It’s not all the clouds here

And it’s pretty damp and cold

Just that the effort

It took to frown got old

And I thought I think

I’m happier this way it’s

Freeing not be tied down by

Depression like a

Suicidal safety blanket

My head’s a little

Less quiet

But at least it laughs along

I Wanna Be A New Person

Who’s with me?

I mean, doesn’t anybody ever think about it sometimes? Don’t give me all that ‘my life is wonderful just the way it is’ crap. Being someone else has at one point to everyone seemed somewhat appealing. It’s not that we’re unhappy with our lives, but someone else has a different life. Someone has a harder life. Someone may have a harder life and maybe I’ll just do their job for a day so they can take off and be me, too. How ’bout that for impossibilities, since we’re on the subject? You’re best friend at one point has dated a significant other you’ve really had a crush on, be honest. Happens. It doesn’t mean you wanna cheat on your husband for a day or experience racism or to be racist of whatever the fuck but-

Some of us just aren’t that good at being who we are, frankly!!!!!

I Fucking Hate Rollercoasters, Man.

I know we'll be

Just fine

When we learn

To love

The ride

So quiet 

At the

Dance we

Speak in hushed

Voices like

The ghosts of failure and

Nervousness can hear our teeth 

A-chattering 

You know they're talking about us right?

Yeah, if we ignore it 

Maybe they'll go away.

That's what the counselors 

In third grade 

Told us to do 

Anyway.

Have you ever heard something so

Naïve?

Like your lovers could just pack their bags and

Leave?

And love, you know 

We'll be just fine

Because we really

Loved the ride

Being A Good Whiner

Happiness is

Just your good

Punishment in disguise

Yeah, I sound like

A total pessimist bitch but

I’m probably right how

Many times have you

Been so uncomprehendingly happy, been

In love or had a new job or had money,

And nobody knew what

The fuck to even do?

So everybody just lost everything because

They couldn’t get their bearings in time?

Happens

People just don’t know what

To do with 

Themselves

That’s why there are starter marriages

And credit card maxes

And psychiatric wards

Been there

Be there

So people if you know

What’s good for

You stop being happy

It’s killing the rest of us

I’m personally on my way out

Be miserable if you have to

Just stop

Black Sails, Red Nails, and Epic Fails

One day when you were gone

A crack grew in

The rooftop and

I watch it rain

All damn day

If you’re not the one

Then why do our hands

Fits perfectly

Together this way

Anyway?

Do you have anything left to say?

When you came back the sun was shining,

But the flowers had all drowned anyway

You replanted them in my chest

Left me started, going, like all the rest

Somehow I know we’re more than friends

When you say you’re dreaming of yourself

Lying on my rooftop

You stop and smile like

That’s not actually as far as you got

Just keep it to yourself and blush

Like this ain’t nothing like falling in love

You were just a girl

With a teardrop

Tattoo underneath

One eye

Who broke all her promises and

Stopped in her tracks just to say hi

Your brother’s a nice man

He took my hand and he whispered

Be nice to her

She may or may not be

One of the good girls

We’ll all just sit idly by and

Wait for this story to unfurl

And it was midnight in

The middle of summer, you

Left your number on my cupboard

Like a charade of the insane

Her black sails and her red nails disappearing in the sea

Did you ever see?

Such stupid things

As you and me?

Did you ever see the sails before they disappeared into the sea?

Patriot Center Concert Review 9/10/13

I legit did mean to do this the night I came home, like I had my super opinionated opinion all laid out and everything, but I fell dead-ass asleep as soon as I walked in my house, Just didn’t worked out how I planned. Anyways, playing were Twenty-One Pilots (down to two), Panic! At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy was technically headlining. Bull.

So, first, I had never heard of Pilots before I heard they were playing at this concert, so I just looked them up on YouTube and I was just immediately like, “Yup, fuck no.” Like, that shit just didn’t work. Okay, the reason it sounds super bass-y and rattles your skull is because that’s the only instrument left. And sorry, but white boy, you can’t rap. I know you think you can, but no. Eminem, that’s about it. But he gore up in a trailer park. And he must’ve had about four Monsters before the show ‘cuz he went about batshit insane onstage, even P!ATD afterwards was really confused, like WTF????

Now, I’ve been a Panic fan since I was five, so I’m totally biased, but they seriously did a great job. I mean, their stage presence was awesome, ‘cuz if you’ve seen the PC, it’s not all too flashy, so they really did make a little go a long way. Bubba (my friend/brother that came with) had a blast too, and Kathleen (old roommate/foster mom) was all excited ‘cuz she went to her first emo concert and actually knew two of the songs! Woohoo!

I knew going in FOB has a terrible presence onstage. I wanna put it down to stage fright, but NOBODY MOVES! It was stupid! The acoustics compensated, though, I think. But Bubba was thrilled, and it was really cool to see him so happy. I mean, I feel like a lot of people never see it, but I really like seeing people happy lie that. Kinda makes my week. Love the man.

I gotta start making people happier. Oh man, this could be interesting.