Don’t You Hate When That Happens?

Sexuality Analogies

This was the story of everyone’s lives at the brain tumor camp I went to over the summer.

Wait, A has no correlation to B. The fact that it was a brain tumor camp is just a specific focus group, and unfortunately we are all horny teenagers, which was blindingly horrific whether we wanted it to be or not.

I totally wasn’t a participant of any of that gosh darn thomasfoolery, I tell you.



Hey I Actually Look Cute!

Hey I Actually Look Cute!

Three dates down, two paychecks, and a little bit of hearing loss later, I ended up having a way better time going stag. I got to dance with my school’s first gay Homecoming king, got down with some strangers, and accidentally stole some girl’s man. Well, look at me. Wasn’t hard.

Why aren’t I this lonely every year?

Why I Deserve Purgatory #1

Okay, so big breakthrough today. My best friend that I’ve known since, like, seventh grade came out to me this morning that he’s gay. I mean, great, good for him, supper proud, BUT, I did not react that well. I’m slightly sarcastic with my reactions, see, and thank goodness he anticipated this, or he probably would’ve really gotten his feelings hurt.

My words: “Well, no shit.” Everybody else who overheard this has not stopped giving me shit, and I feel like in a couple ears I’ll probably feel like I should’ve been more sensitive, but COME ON! It was just so stupidly obvious that it bugged the hell out of me I couldn’t walk up to him and jus t go “You know you’re gay, right?” Whatever. I’ll apologize at his wedding. Be like, ‘Hey, sorry for being a bitch at your coming-out party, But you still loved me for it, so that’s what counts.”

Will & Grace: Next Generation 😀


I hate malls. I hate junk food, bad music, shouting, RC helicopters, everyone trying to sell you shit, and a line of Mexican hall-blockers. It’s all of high school in an hour.

        I like to people-watch. I’ve especially started liking it since my hearing started going. People are interesting when they want to be.

        There’s this kid standing at the entrance to Hot Topic. Works there. Pissed. Hates it there. Planning world domination. More power to him.

        Old white woman playing with her grandson. Adorable friggin’ kid. Not joking. He’s playing on one of those interactive screen things on the floor and he’s having a ball. She looks thrilled.

        I watch one girl for a while. Not being a stalker, she just…looks interesting. Short, spiky black hair. Total friggin’ steam punker. If you can find decent ones, they’re pretty cool. No piercings, no tattoos, skin whiter than new sheets. Real pretty thing. But she had lesbian written all over her. I have real good gaydar. It’s just a natural talent. Nobody even has to tell me. I know. It’s gotten me some pretty cool friends.

        There are lots of cops here today. Legit ones, not mall cops. They carry guns. Ever since the shooting here a few weeks back, they’re everywhere. The pretty girl whispers something to the woman walking beside her, I’m presuming to be her mother. The woman stops, and starts yelling. I mean, really screaming. It’s too high-pitched, I can’t make it out. The girl just stands there, absolutely petrified. She looks as if this is all her fault. No one but me is standing to watch. I want to tell the woman to stop, to calm down, to comfort the girl, but I am an innocent by-standing asshole and I just don’t do things like this.

        A cop comes up. One of the legit ones. Big dude, bouncer type. He’s making placating gestures with his hands. Telling her to take the scene elsewhere. Of course, let’s all beat our children in the comfort of our own homes, shall we?

        The next thing that happens I’m oddly detached to, as if seeing it on a movie screen. The guy’s gun holster is open. The middle-aged woman takes the gun and aims it at her daughter. Everyone stands still. I still don’t hear what is said. I probably don’t want to know. The girl doesn’t even look scared. She’s got this kind of look on her face like, “I’m waiting…”

        The woman turns the gun to her temple and fires it. I’ve never seen blood before.

        Somebody just came out of the closet…