30 In 30 Feb. 20th


I want to see cracks in skin, permanent tan lines pressed.
I want to hear wrinkled voices, disgusting and disgustingly happy.
I want to choke secondhand smoke, child
That’s not something you can just lie about.
I want to grow up with brittle bones and os-that-what’s-it-called
I want your dress seams to disagree always.
I want to know the earth will not be soft when I fall
And take the hardest of breaths climbing stairs.
I want to keep your hands from shaking, my pet
You can’t take old age away from me just yet

Advertisements

30 In 30- Feb 18th


Your life is a tall drink of water.
It is all your happiness, worth, livelihood- all.
Imagine it never spills, just figuratively, for a whole lifetime
Not even for the prospect of being selfish
This is your self-worth we are concerned with.
Are you worth anything ever at all?
And this glass slowly fills, slow as it possibly can
At first. Through the hard years.
But this glass is designed to get you through them.
You can do this.
It picks up pace, though, and soon.
The droplets that fill are teary and lovely and
All sorts of the miraculous things one can
Do in a lifetime
And this is when it dawns on you
That your glass is actually quite tiny.
But it is full.
Simply let it spill.

30 In 30- Feb 16th


I must be a perpetual panic attack
Look at what I’m wearing
And I bet if I asked them to stare
They’d stare more
The more the merrier
So what? I should walk faster or slower to
Escape the suburban paparazzi?
High school drool, as it is
It only is
I don’t know what anyone’s
Doing, not being more discreet
You may as well
Rip off my clothes right here
It would actually be less violating
Well, wouldn’t that just THRILL the masses
Just what we need

30 In 30- Feb 15th


I could watch
Him double over in laughter
For the rest of my life.
Brown
Eyes shut tight and wide, crazy smile gasping for breath.
Clutching his stomach for it
Then he finally looks at me
And I realize I get to take credit for it
And I think I’m the only one here
Who could care so much

30 In 30 Feb 14th


You don’t
Understand I want
To be with you through
Thick and thin
I can’t wait to pick fights and
I’ll let you win
I want to be the story behind
Your deepest scar and
Be your brightest star
I can be your favorite fairytale
And Peter Pan, we can fly together
And you can be morphine, I’ll be whatever
You be deaf and I’ll be blind
At least we don’t tell lies
We could be gruesome
But it’s still a fairytale
Somewhere

30 In 30 Feb 13th


Halfway down the steps
Starting my morning coffee
I can hear you
One small “Excuse me”
“Hey, how you doing?”
I can feel you
Going through your old stuff
Throwing it away
I can still smell you
Talking about you, though?
There’s not really much to miss

Almost My Birthday!


Sixteenth birthday

Been too busy lately………doctors appointments and my mom and all sorts of crap. But hey, went to my MRI yesterday, and they told me I’m probably not gonna die this week! There’s the upside for this week!

Just kidding. Tomorrow’s also my birthday. I’ll be sixteen. I’ve seriously told every person I’ve come across. I told all the staff at the hotel I stayed at this weekend, I told the guy at Starbucks yesterday, my brain tumor group threw me a birthday party yesterday (CAKE!)……

I don’t let a lot of people forget about my birthday. My father has forgotten my birthday three years in a row, so it’s kind of a sore thing. I make up for it. I even bought a birthday crown at the party store to wear to school because Kathleen broke mine a while ago……….

Adventures In Handiwork…….


So, one of Kathleen’s brothers, who also happens to be my good friend’s dad and I’ve known for a very long time, is what should really be known as a redneck handyman.

Redneck handyman. Just think about what this entails.

Eileen's House

Exhibit A: The Door. Kathleen’s brother is a construction worker, and this was a temporary door made at one of the building sites. If you look closely, although this may not be easily seen, that door is in fact made out of poster board. Meaning, science-fair poster board. As well, the hinges are constructed of painter’s tape, and it is clearly marked ,”DOOR”. Something is not right here. Nope.

Shawn's Door

Exhibit B: The House. Kathleen and Shawn’s mother, Eileen, had a rat problem. This is natural. His response is not natural. Although I do not have a picture of one instance, he did on one occasion prop the rake up into the hole and balance a rat trap and rat poison on top of the rake, which was the hole where the rats were getting in. Well, then they just had a dead rat problem. See, nobody considers this factor. However, pictured is his second contraption in which he broke a soda bottle, sprinkled rat poison on it, shoved it all in the hole, yes, and waited for the rats. You make your own judgments.

Windshield

Exhibit C: The Windshield Wiper. Shawn’s sister-in-law’s windshield wipers are bent, and so they’re sort of squeaking, and until they can afford to fix them, Shawn puts a sock over the blade so it does not scratch the windshield.

30 in 30- Feb 12th


Almost halfway there!

Halfway down the steps
Starting my morning coffee
I can hear you
One small “Excuse me”
“Hey, how you doing?”
I can feel you
Going through your old stuff
Throwing it away
I can still smell you
Talking about you, though?
There’s not really much to miss

30 In 30- Feb 10 & 11th


I’m starting to understand what my teacher said about this challenging people’s commitment issues…………

Feb 10th-

Oh holy hell I’d give anything for you
To give me the silent treatment.
You don’t understand what I would sacrifice, I would
Actually give all the fingers on my right hand for you
To get throat cancer
And your tongue to swell to the size of your head
And I’d never have to hear you again
You don’t HAVE to die
Just shut up.
I saw a man with throat cancer once.
It could be a promising future for you.
Just……away from me.

Feb 11th:

Oh, leave me alone
No one cared ’til you told them
I was the devil

30 In 30 Feb 6-9th


Colorblind

Sorry, it was a very busy weekend. I had my grandma’s memorial service and all sorts of family in town and it was so many different kinds of lunacy and alcoholism at work, Jesus fucking Christ.

BACK TO THE POINT:

Feb 6th:

you don’t
understand
I want to be
with you through thick and thin
for us to be like thin bike chains
and singing in the rain
with you
i want to carve your deepest scars and
be your brightest star
i can be your favorite fairytale even
if you want
and you can be morphine, i’ll be methadone
you can be deaf and i’ll be blind
you can have the eye and i’ll have the ear
at least we aren’t lying we’re gruesome
SO GRUESOME
i’d give anything to be your fairytale

Feb 7th:

I could watch
Him double over in laughter
For the rest of my life.
Brown
Eyes shut tight and wide, fat-lipped mouth gasping for breath.
Clutching his stomach for it
Then he finally looks at me
And I realize I get to take credit for it
And I think I’m the only one here
Who cares so much

Feb 8th:

Oh, I want to paint suffering
I want to write about a colorblind monster
Who tears and wears and destructs
And doesn’tgiveafuckwhoyouare
Oh, I want to give you the world!
I want to tell you this is the end
I want to spoon-feed little babies lies like
We are at the epitome of our destiny and
This is the bravest world, mad and tilted as it looks
Right now
It actually knows best
Be ever so grateful I hate indiscriminately I am
Colorblind at heart I
don’tgiveafuckwhoyouare

Feb 9th:

When I figure out
How to administer amnesia I’ll call
It won’t have any more emergence than my
Same call every other Sunday
At four in the afternoon on the dot
And if you don’t pick up on the third ring
I will hang up.

Free Hugs- Sort Of?


So, I’m kind of not sure how this happened, and I’m really debating on how I feel about it.

Back story: I make a lot of these little FREE HUG coupons and hand them out usually on Valentine’s Day, and I handed a lot out the day before we left school for holiday break.

Immediate problem: I was in study hall, minding my own business, watching a movie, when this guy in my class comes up and hands my back this really wrinkled-up one and asks to ‘redeem’ it. The thing is- I KNOW I didn’t give one to him. I’m just slightly concerned where he got it, moreover how. Do you ask somebody? Ask around for them? WTF? I’m so lost. I mean, I, I kinda knew him, he asked what I was watching, and that was about it, but I’m still debating how I feel about this………..